WHOOOOOSH
I'm outta here in like 3 hours. Here's some fun for the kids. Until about noon you can track my flight HERE. I'm on United Airlines flight 103.

Hopefully KYLE will be awake by then to pick me up.

Post more later...caio.

TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVES
It's either going to be me, or the blog folks. It HATES my archives, and what's worse is I think my FTP connection is in cahoots with blogger. Message from my FTP...

226 Transfer complete.
QUIT
221 Goodbye.

Blow it out your protocol ass...

CRAP
DAMNIT BLOGGER! It keeps changing crap! My blogvoice deal got messed up.

Hulk is getting mad.

SUPER BLOG FIGHTER
Okay, blog and I have been going toe-to-toe all day and things still aren't good for my site. Looks like I smashed my hands with a brick and then did some code. Trust me, it'll get better.

I just wanted everyone to check out BLACK COFFEE because I posted a monkey load of pictures there of my and CREW. They aren't really labeled well, but you can figure out who everyone is by the title. I think there are more somewhere, regardless, I'll be putting up more and cleaning that crap up.

LANGUAGE LESSONS
I know you're all eagerly awaiting today's blog tip, but I'm going to hold off for a few. Everyone seems to be on blogger or my monkey-box computer here at work is dying. I promise before the end of the day.

BLOGGIE TALKIES
Phew. EV finally got BLOGGER back online. I feel bad for him working on it by himself.

Anyway, I added something today, BLOGVOICES. If you'll notice, at the end of every post it says ">>chatter." If you click the link it will bring up a message board to post your thoughts. It might move around the page a little in the upcoming days because it just doesn't feel right. It really is my digital answer to that one arm you don't know what to do with when spooning.

KYLE has already seized the opportunity to use it by calling me gay...thank you Kyle (PROOF against that statement).

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN
1 day until Los Angeles.

3 days until Los Angeles.

2 days until Los Angeles.

My math is for shit.

3 days until Los Angeles.

SPIKED
Turns out that new Fatboy Slim video with Christopher Walken was directed by Spike Jonze! HERE'S an article from NME.COM giving the scoop.

Jonze...is a genius...

MISSING LINK
I was reading the blog of chief-happiness-moderator, PETE Z. as I do everyday and saw his new site setup. Pretty nice actually, almost motivates me to change my own site...nah. Anyway to my despair I noticed I didn't make the prestigious list of "Other Blogs." And I know in all fairness I haven't added Pete to my links (not for any real reason, just cause I never mess with my piece-of-crap site anymore), but I think I'll make a special case for Pete Z. and put him in my links (of course essentially begging to be put in his).

BLOG TIP #4: Quit being STUPID!
Again, with the subject of being stupid in a blog, I'll admit I was an offender. But I have VERY little tolerance for stupid people (ask my brother) and have changed my ways.

Being stupid is funny at times, but when you're stupid too much, it makes your blog frustrating to read. I've actually stopped "subscribing" to blogs because for every GOOD post they had, there were at least FOUR on some infantile babble (I REALLY want to point fingers here but I know that just makes for bad blood). I've read another blog where by all means the author had the potential to be very intelligent and write some very good blogs, but they sacrificed themselves to talking about things that were just...STUPID.

Stupid blogs don't even have to be generated in monologue format. You can be writing a blog about a conversation you've had with friends, read it! You might find out you have stupid friends! But yes, you writing the stupid things your stupid friends said, DOES qualify as a stupid blog.

Just think about what you're writing. If you stop a second and ask yourself, "Is this stupid?" you might save yourself some public embarrassment. Even go back and read your blog again. You might find something out about yourself.

I also understand that many people, possibly even yourself, are just stupid. I have no advice for you there. Sorry.

Next Lesson: Make it look smooooooth...

[INSERT TITLE HERE]
Inspired a little by POJE'S and ARIEL'S sites, I've decided to add titles to my blogs. I think it adds that extra something...

Here's the skinny, no hold barred. I hate LOATHE MTV. I won't get into this debate right now, but needless to say a network cancellation is in order.

ANYWAY, my babe CONNIE tells me this morning that she saw the new Fatboy Slim video for their song "Weapon of Choice."

Pause

I paused here to remind people that so of us at STICK BUS have a following with CHRISTOPHER WALKEN. Ala, "Can Tag: The Movie" which I don't think is online anymore.

Play

So Connie tells me the entire Fatboy Slim video is Walken, dancing and flying around an empty hotel. My first reaction was disbelief, my second reaction was that it had to be the best music video ever made.

I got home from work and went to MTV.COM (which is THE most frustrating site EVER) and I see the video is on their front page but in shitty RealVideo (frustrating site, frustrating technology). I tried to watch it, but gave up. So I resorted to television and watching MTV. Before long (thank GOD) the video came on...I almost died. Somewhere in that video I swear I saw Jesus. It's Walken at his best and it's the ONLY thing that's making me watch MTV right now is because I need to see it again.

Look for it, I promise, you too will be in awe...

THIS is all I'll ever want.

This morning, my mother was on her spring cleaning tear and was cleaning the front closet. Then next thing I knew, I hear a hiss and there was something spraying all over my mother's face.

A can of STANK Busch Light exploded and hosed her down with SKUNK BEER!

I felt so bad because my mom just SMELLED SO GOD AWFUL! Poor woman took it squa between the eyes too. Albeit, the hosing was some what alarming (no one should EVER be sprayed with Busch Light), I couldn't help but break out laughing. I've seen beer sprayed many times (notably the Jeff-Eichhorn-Corona-to-the-Eye ordeal of 2000) but this was so far the best one I've ever seen. Almost blew my mom CLEAR out of the front door!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

BLOG TIP #3: Being Obscure
Okay, I am one of the worst people at doing this. I love doing it because when people ask you about something you wrote, that means that they're paying attention to your blog. For example, when you write a one sentence post saying things like, "Guess who can't do it anymore?" or "How could I have been so wrong?" Those questions trigger a reaction in the reader that begs them to ask you. Instant attention.

But really, after being obscure on your blog, who are the only people that ask you about it? Your friends and you already have their attention so they don't count. So stop it because in reality, no one real cares about how deep or mysterious YOU think you are.

And no, "inside jokes" don't count as being obscure because your friends are already aware of the double meaning behind them. "Inside jokes" are okay to use.

That's today's lesson.

Next lesson: Quit being STUPID!

4 days until Los Angeles.

Looks like Los Angeles will be just AWESOME next week, and a "UV Index" of 8 (high). That means a tan FOR SURE on my pastey white bod. It's already been made clear that I will not be indoors if I don't have to be.

Mmm...warm...

Okay, I know I'm probably not the best person in the world to lecture on what makes a good blog, but I'm going to become an advocate for it. So here goes...

BLOG TIP #2:
I cannot stand reading about people's friends when I don't know who they are. For example, if I say, "Then KYLE said he thought 'Captain Ron' was the best movie ever."

Well that's great that Kyle said that, but do I care if I don't know Kyle? No. Gimme some info about your friend, what are they like? Do they have a blog? Anything. If you know Kyle, then the fact that he enjoys "Captain Ron" makes all the sense in the world. But if you don't know him, then it's just boring.

So there.

Next lesson: Being obscure...

6 days until Los Angeles.

Damn right HE did.

Oscars were good, but the RAZZIES are just great.

As where the Oscars are given to the best work in Hollywood, the Razzies are given to the worst. "Battlefield Earth" won 7 Razzies tying it with "Showgirls."

Best Physical Attack on an Oscar Awards Host by an Australian Actor goes to...

To: Entertainment Industry
Suj: Work

No current resume but I will work for beer and wings.

Thank you,
David Sliozis

I'm beginning to believe that best blogs are short blogs. Right now I have your attention...

...now I don't.

Remember the notebooks from the movie "SE7EN" (yes, I had to use the 7), THIS would be the blog version...

URSA and NON spring at SUPERMAN, grab him, one on each leg and arm. SUPERMAN kicks and struggles vainly.

SUPERMAN
No! Please! Don't! . . .

LOIS rushes to try and help, is caught by a grinning ZOD, unceremoniously flung backward to the floor. SUPERMAN is hurled into the chamber. LUTHOR rushes to the side, presses a control. The door irises shut. SUPERMAN lies on the floor, helpless.

ZOD
Lex Luthor! Ruler of Australia and the Cuba place! Activate the machine!

LUTHOR grins, pushes the starting mechanism.

LEX
Oh, General, the world is a big place. Thank goodness,
my needs are small...As it turns out, I have this affinity
for beachfront property...

ZOD
What do you want?

LEX
Australia.

Did someone say, MIR TRACKER?

Stick Bus (8:54:33 PM): kyle doesn't exist.
Stick Bus (8:54:37 PM): he's fake
Stick Bus (8:54:39 PM): digital.
BrusBus2 (8:54:49 PM): i think so
Stick Bus (8:55:05 PM): i know so. really, have you ever seen kyle...no.
BrusBus2 (8:55:18 PM): that's true
Stick Bus (8:55:25 PM): he's just...there.
BrusBus2 (8:55:28 PM): fordcam could be all CG
Stick Bus (8:55:53 PM): he's like a low-budget, beer-swilling "lawnmower man."
Stick Bus (8:56:32 PM): for all we know...
Stick Bus (8:56:39 PM): kyle could be "veeger."

Stick Bus (8:58:52 PM): kyle...serious question. are you real or are you a digital entity?
Acapriccio (8:58:58 PM): digital
Stick Bus (8:59:04 PM): :-O

Note to REHMER in regards to THIS.

You don't need to be in high school for that, that was pretty much the basis of my english class at Columbia last semester. Just in high school it doesn't cost you $6,000 in student loans to watch.

For the record, THIS is the best (and nerdiest) blog I've ever written.

For the record, I used to be COOL.

For the record, I used to be a hero.

MAXIMUS
Quintus, free my men. Senator Gracchus is to be reinstated.
There was a dream that was Rome, it shall be realized. These
are the wishes of Marcus Aurelius.

For the record, I used to GLEAM THE CUBE.

For the record, I used to own a film company.

For the record I also used to be a rap superstar.

I'm leaving for Los Angeles in 12 days (yes, I'm leaving this time). I'm excited to get back there to the 70 degree weather, cruise the Universal Citywalk like we're kings, beer at the Beanery and a meal at the diner in the beginning of "Swingers." I actually have to buy shorts for this event. Everytime I go there I have to add to my wardrobe. Sadly I think it's still too "cold" for them to open up Waterloo. Oh...and did I mention my "95% chance" of meeting ROBERT PATRICK?

Yeah, no big deal really. Just your ordinary vacation.

For the record, I used to be a writer. Now I'm lucky if I can write my name.

Guess who's slipping and falling again!

OPTIMISTIC by Radiohead

Flies are buzzing around my head
Vultures circling the dead
Picking up every last crumb
The big fish eat the little ones
The big fish eat the little ones
Not my problem give me some

You can try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough

This one's optimistic
This one went to market
This one just came out of the swamp
This one dropped a payload
Fodder for the animals
Living on an animal farm

If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough

I'd really like to help you man
I'd really like to help you man.....
Nervous messed up marionette
Floating around on a prison ship

If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
Dinosaurs roaming the earth

YES                         NO
          

Okay, so I've been in hiding for awhile. I really didn't have much to say about my mudane existance as it was, but then I came across something that I need to speak out against.

It's called, "Fuck L.A.--Illinois' not THAT gay! Bring Back the Fords 2001." It's a new campaign being put together by Augustana Alumns BRITT and Ament (I'm surprised REHMER has been quiet about this) to bring Kyle and Sarah back to the midwest, more specifically, Hellinois.

I got to talking about the situation with CONNIE this weekend and we agreed that the quote, "It's Kyle...not Jesus" best summed up our side.

I told Ament that of course I would like Kyle and Sarah to come home, why wouldn't I? But on the other hand Kyle and Sarah are where I want to be. They are my lighthouse to the shore. They are the FUTURE. I miss my friends, but they were able to get out and I cannot take that away from them, I can only hope to learn from them and ride in their wake.

"It's Kyle...not Jesus" t-shirts available soon.

The diner is back open, more later...

I really want to do this...NORTHERN ILLINOIS UNIVERSITY MOTORCYCLE SAFETY .

NIKE.COM has officially made me mad. I am a big hockey fan, love it, play it when I can. But the fact that NOWHERE on the NIKE.COM page is there anything about their hockey gear. And if Nike doesn't recognize it as a sport, it's like it isn't. So I randomly type in NIKEHOCKEY.COM and up comes their secret page. Hidden from the world. On top of that they get some interesting choices in player sponsors...like the captain of the Tampa Bay Lighting (yeah, they might make a cup run by the time I die). My sport MUST be RECOGNIZED!

Eats

babies.

This one goes out to my peeps out in the West Coast K-racker and S-Mart, my crew screamin' in from the corn fields Bru-Dog and Ice-C, and finally back home to J-Thug and Miss U...catch ya on flip yo.

Low Income by Wyclef

Let um feel the beat first
I'm bout to come through your stereo
Should I rhyme or start with the hook?
Start with the hook

To my people who don't wanna go to work
Thank God it's Friday
Cover me she bout to put up her skirt
Thank God it's Friday
Do Your mom now you act so berserk
Thank God it's Friday
What's the track, what's the track girl?
She don't wanna, she don't wanna work on Monday
(I wanna thank my hood)

For makin me a star before I had fast cars
And couldn't tell the difference between Whoppers and caviar
Before the fame
Way before things changed
All I wanted to do was freestyle and get a name
I used to work at the fast food restaurant
For minimum wage
Dreamin I'm on stage
At 17 I left the house
Cause my father was a minister
And I didn't want the Marvin route
What's goin on?
Today to sell a song you need a video with soft porn
MC's in the industry
You wanna tip?
Don't let them pimp you like Goldy
And tell Sony they better have my money
Cause I play wit the Comodores and be like Lionel Richie
Low Income, I stay so hungry that if 50 Cent came to rob me
He'd be part of my charity
(I wanna thank my hood)

To my people cuttin hair in the shops
Thank God it's Friday
To the thugs sweatin up in the chop shops
Yo, it's Friday
To my people that don't got no job
Everyday it's Friday
What's the track, what's the track yo?
She don't wanna, she don't wanna work on Monday
All the Ladies sing

[Ladies]
I don't feel
Like cookin you no breakfast
This mornin
(All my hoodlums say)

[Guys]
Well, you don't have
to cook me breakfast
Cause your girlfriend will
After you leave
(I wanna thank my hood)

For the love of money
I know kids who'll slit your throat
Friday the 13th
Jason wit a trench coat
But you can't scare Suzie
Cause her man got so many uzi's you'd think he was Cadivi
Meanwhile, she's getting her nails done
Crystal clear so they could shine like wit diamonds
It's such a shame what happened last week
Man they found her under the sheets
With a letter from the Son of Sam
It said to tell New York I ain't sleepin
You want to be clubbin then you better pack your heat in
And to my man G Swar Rest in Piece
I still poor liquor
1 draw on the cocoa leaf
Inhale, exhale smoke grasses
Polices in the area, but ain't no need to panic
You wit Wyclef you getting in
If not, then we gonna make CNN
(I wanna thank my hood)

To my people who don't wanna go to work
Thank God it's Friday
Cover me she bout to put up her skirt
Thank God it's Friday
Do your mom know you act so berserk?
Thank God it's Friday
What's the track, what's the track girl?
She don't wanna she don't wanna work on Monday
Yo, to my people cuttin here in the shops
Thank God it's Friday
To the thugs sweatin up in the chop shops
Yo, it's Friday
To my people who don't got no job
Everyday it's Friday
What's the track, what's the track yo?
She don't wanna she don't wanna work on Monday
All the Ladies sing

[Ladies]
I don't feel
Like cookin you no breakfast
This mornin
(All my hoodlums say)

[Guys]
Well, you don't have
to cook me breakfast
Cause your girlfriend will
After you leave

Subj: SLIOZIS, DAVID
Date: Thu, 8 Mar 2001 3:12:42 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: PNR-united air lines

******************************
Thank you for your purchase. To make changes to your
&reservation please call 1-800-241-6522.
TRAVEL BOOKING CONFIRMATION
Your E-Ticket Receipt can be viewed by logging on to
     www.united.com and clicking Past Itineraries.
Your E-Ticket was issued

Issued Thu Mar 8 12:11:47 2001
******************************
Reservation #1 UA-QVC2BA
Name : David Sliozis
           314 Drake
           Libertyville, IL 60048
           USA
Day Phone : 847-367-0908
Home Phone : 847-367-0908
Email : stickbus@aol.com
Shipment : E-Ticket
Name(s) of people traveling:
     David Sliozis (standard meal) ((none))
********* Itinerary *************
AIR> Mar 31 UA # 103 ORD --> LAX 8:05 am 10:30 am
AIR> Apr 4 UA # 110 LAX --> ORD 9:15 am 3:15 pm
******************************
This customer was quoted USD 344.50 (per person) for this trip

[grumble grumble]

JACK BURTON
You just listen to the ol' Pork Chop Express an' take his advice on a dark and stormy night when some wild-eyed eight-foot tall maniac grabs your neck an' taps the back of your favorite head up against a barroom wall. An' he looks you crooked in the eye an' he asks if you've paid your dues. You look right back at that big sucker an' remember what Jack Burton always says at times like that. "Have you paid your dues, Jack" "No, sir, I've just charged 'em."

How true it is...

PHIL ERISMAN! Where are you?

For some reason I can see Phil's life closely resembling that of Martin Blank (John Cusack) in "Grosse Point Blank." After high school, he entered the military and now...killer for hire.

I can believe that.

Anyway, Phil Erisman is on the wanted list. If you know Phil or have seen Phil, have him get in contact with MYSELF, BRUEN or KYLE.

Sorry, no cash reward for finding Phil. But you will be saving the lives of MILLIONS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE.

I wrote an "em" (short for e-mail, I'm staging a silent protest at the length of that word) to JEFF this morning and I really have no idea what I said in it...see if you can translate this...

Yo, yo, yo. What's up J-Thug? What's up family?

Watcha got goin' on tonizite? Can't be to much since "Temptation Island" is ovuh. Man, I am WICKED bored up in this labor-pit today yo. What's worse is my eyelids are hangin' heavy bro. I didn't get much sleep last nite, I wuz out cattin' around if you know what I mean.

Anyway, if we've got some spare minutes I'd favor us rollin' on out to The Gurn in search of some new rags yo. My pimp gear is lookin' pretty weak son, I need to re-establish my ill look.

Gimme a holla on the cellular-tellular dis evening if you want to go hostile on the town. I be steppin' outta my biz at the usual, 4:30.

Keep it real with the ladies...
D-$

The "J-Thug" is obviously a mockery of "J-Lo." There's also "J-Eich," the more mild mannered version of Jeff. But woah, "J-Thug," he'll beat the shit out of you twice dog and that's before he starts cursin'.

Ryde or die baby.

This is going out to my dogs out in West Los Angeles. You know who you are and you know what this song is...

"Kenny Rogers - Pharoahe Monch Dub Plate" by Wyclef

You got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run.
You got to count your dub-plates
before you touch the turntables
Cause if you run out of big tunes
that means your sound is done

phew. Today is going to be a good day.

Time to go jump on my hoverboard.

Click HERE for a little piece of CPT on your PC...

Jobs, love, school, career, cell phones, life insurance, marriage, car payments, voting, taxes, cappuccinos, silk ties, family, alcohol, recycling, children, mortgage, credit cards, dress shoes, religion, neighbors, dental plan, long-distance, health clubs, tax brackets, vacations, haircuts, ironed khakis, upper management, daytimers, board meetings, black socks, funerals, cubicles, sex, friends, bank accounts, dinette set, golf outings, down payments, jury duty, electric bill, medications, student loans, alimony, diapers, security deposits, airports, palm pilots, birth control, politically correct, drugs, 70 hour work week, company picnics, Wall Street Journal, stock options...

There's so much more now. It was all so simple before. What the fuck happened? The hardest part of the day used to be trying to defeat her:

Interesting. Do you want to know the number of any payphone in the world? Go the the PAYPHONE PROJECT.

I think it's going to be a good day. I actually started it with a smile.

Why was I smiling? For starters I was listening to some WICKED cherry tunage on the way in to the cubicle farm today. D M X baby. I could only laugh my ass off because I know the words to the songs, and the knowledge of my blatant whiteness rapping along to lyrics like:

"Listen, your ass is about to be missin',
you know who's gonna find you?
Some old man fishin'!"

...is just ridiculous. Whiteness is a tortured comedy.

CONNIE is coming home for the weekend (YES!) and I'm going to round up JEFF (again...no idea why I even link Jeff anymore) and BRUEN'S ladyfriend for an evening of diner and a movie (originally we thought "Hannibal" but popular vote seems to be moving to "The Mexican," we'll see).

EL CAMINO!

Anyway, Joanna, KYLE'S sister returned from Los Angeles (with Dan...) and Kyle sent a present along with her. A t-shirt from "Barney's Beanery." That's where Janis Joplin hung out the night she died. That's so Hyde (meaning "awesome" and based on the character from "That 70's Show," clever eh?). The generous textile t-shirt also serves as a blunt reminder that imbedded in the cotton is the smell and taste of where I'm going. Mmm...warm.

I noticed Bru is back in the swing of script writing. I envy that bastard, there are good ideas in his head, tons. Me...I got a rock.

Blogs that have been quiet as of late...CONNIE and SARAH. Both with good reason, Con has been an academic machine and from what Kyle said, Sarah is working some ill hours yo. Then there's JEFF. Dead blog. I'm calling DBFS (Department of Blog and Family Services) on Jeff.

Jeff just barely survived Mardi Gras. He has contracted the "Ragin' Cajun Cold." I think it's only a strain that animals can get. He got pictures back, Jeff said, "Damn, there were alot of girls I thought were cute when I was drunk." Sobriety brings an evil awakening. I think Jeff taking the Mardi Gras pics to get developed and asking the girl behind the counter if they developed "Mardi Gras pictures" is an updated, "I'm 18, give me porn!"

Price of plane ticket to New Orleans: $300
Price of hotel per night: $150
Price of 4 days of drinking: $600

Price of hearing Jeff tell Mardi Gras stories...priceless. "So there I was, sippin' Komakazis..."

Okay, enough for now. I have work to do. Not really, I just want to work on Kyle's pixel playground...

Peace out...

It's gonna be okay. Buck up little camper...

DAMNIT. I completely forgot I signed up for that sign language class with my father...

What was I thinking?

The local British guy, Gary, who works with just came over and learned about the blogger...here's how the conversation went (I'll do my best to copy the accent):

GARY: Bloggah, whut's the poynt?
DAVE: [I didn't have an answer for him]

The only thing I could think of for an answer was, "SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL ROCKS!"

If you can't beat 'em, scare the shit out of them with loud, stupid American movie quotes...

I've gone all day without someone calling me a "whore" on my phone. I feel good.

If I were as productive as I am bored right now, I'd find the cure for cancer by noon...

numb.

bored.

tired.

Damnit. I could have sworn it was at least 11 o'clock. The God of Time is and ASSHOLE.

STICKBUS.COM is found.