IGNORANCE

This is a moment when we should be holding our heads high, trying to rebuild, and embracing people of all genders and colors on this American soil. This bullshit cannot stand.

And seriously, ignorance runs deeper than I could have ever imagined around me. A co-worker only hours ago, was vocally upset that there would be no football, and no NASCAR this Sunday. Yeah, I can see where football, and definitely NASCAR, would help sooth the thought that there are thousands dead and our country was just attacked in the worst way possible.

Nothing like the bottom feeders of the gene pool to make blood boil.

THE BEGINNING

Well, the challenge has been issued, and I feel that the "Name it Dave" campaign must begin. For the next nine months, I will go above and beyond all rational levels in order to prove to Kyle and Sarah that they should without question, name their child David (and no, I don't know what to do if it's a girl, I suggested the name "Davea" to Connie).

Anyway, here we go. My first item of proof is from the written print of the dictionary. When I entered David the following excerpt came up as well as a HUGE history of the name.

Da·vid, Died c. 962 B.C.

The second king of Judah and Israel. According to the Bible, he slew the Philistine giant Goliath and succeeded Saul as king. He is the reputed author of many of the Psalms.

Now then, when I entered the opposition's current choice, Doug, I received the following:

No entry found for Doug in the dictionary.

So for today...I rest my case. Would you rather chose the King of Judah? Or someone who was never important enough to be listed in the dictionary?

LAST NIGHT

Last night I was flipping channels and for the first time in almost two days, not sticking to MSNBC, CNN, or ABC. I landed on South Park and only watched a few moments, but I laughed. And laughing felt so weird since my heart had been so heavy for the past few days. I guess it's a sign of moving on. I won't forget though, not even here, miles away in Chicago. I placed a flag I recieved from school on my desk and printed and posted Poje's splash page up where everyone could see it. I don't know why this hit me as deep as it did. I didn't lose anyone in this, but I feel like my pride has been stripped and kicked and burned. I wish I could have done something more than donate cash or blood.

Changing gears a little, these images and thoughts have generated nightmares when I sleep. Last night I was wondering the halls of some educational type forum and I was following closely behind the Bargi (I don't remember if that's the right spelling...don't really care) twins, who looked to me and said, "Hey, are you going to come hang out?" to which I replied, "You didn't talk to me through four years of high school, don't start now." And I walked away. Sad that I even loathe my long gone L.H.S. classmates YEARS after it's all been over.

FRESH

Hey baby, come here often?

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Stand.

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Personally I've never been a man to believe in God, but tonight I can't find any answers to the questions except to find faith in yourself and in each other and in family and friends.

I've never said a prayer to any form of God in my lifetime, but tonight I'll do my best to send out what I can to those suffering and gone.

Usually at night I can see planes lining up to land at O'Hare from my bedroom window. Nothing tonight.

Good night New York, good night Virginia. My prayers are with you.

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Tens of thousands Americans have died and the skies belong to the birds again for the first time in a hundred years.

This just wasn't supposed to happen. Not here.

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There's nothing to be said today. We all know what happened.

POST

The days without a good night's sleep is currently at ten, seven of those are generated from the turmoil and stress that's hammering away at my head.

I currently have over $2500 in assorted bills that are due to various companies at the end of the month. Immediately I hear the whines and mentions of student loans, but hear me out. $390 of that is due tomorrow in order to keep the man with the tow truck from coming to my house and towing my car away. The problem lies in the fact that currently in my checking account is approximately $160. Great. Plus I'm working for about 18 hours a week so they might as well be paying me in piss. And no, I have no idea why they'd be paying me in piss...just back off.

Too many things hit me at once and they haven't straightened themselves out yet. My brain races all day about the things I should be doing and the things I wish I could be doing. And then when I get home, my brain races all night about the things I should be doing and the things I wish I could be doing.

Everything has almost completely gone full circle for me again. Almost five years to the day, I found myself sitting at my desk, alone and plugged into the internet. Five years ago I was walking the halls of the infamous College of Lake County with no one here in the home town. Five years ago I was working at a small deli in my spare time after school. I was depressed, I was angry, and I was so confused about everything. So where am I today? Sitting at home, plugged into the internet. I'm back wondering those same damned halls at CLC, I'm working part-time at an place that is sucking my life force away, and I'm more poor now than I was back then. I'm depressed, I'm angry, and I'm certainly more confused than I was five years ago.

I mean it's not all bad, right? So I'm poor and living at home and fighting to the death with my college career. But I've also kept some close friends over all those years and I've certainly fallen in love. Then why the hell am I losing sleep every night and stressing my days away? Why do I wake up depressed and go to bed angry?

Because I've grown consistently more scared about failing everything and scared about not know what the hell is going on tomorrow or what's waiting around the next corner. I'm pretty sure if you asked most of my friends about my life, they'd say they were proud of me or think I'm this kind of good person or that, and the truth is I appreciate that. But their voices can't ever seem to overpower the ones that rattle around in my head. I've failed so many times at so many things that the pessimistic outlook of automatic failure that I have is just always the first reaction I have. Why am I scared of college? Because I'll fail. Why am I scared of my relationship? Because I'll fail. Why am I scared of moving across the country? Because I'll fucking fail. Life is certainly a harder place to live in when you won't even give yourself a chance.

So who's going to leave the "it's not that bad" comment?

I wake up depressed because I'm not good at fighting my life alone, I've always turned to my friends for time away from my life to keep me going. I'm depressed because this summer, Connie and grew so close and now I get to see her every other weekend if I'm lucky. I'm depressed because I'll either be seeing her every other weekend for the next two years, or if somehow I make it to Los Angeles, maybe twice a year if miracles happen. And to those of you affected by my current LA dilemma, I don't care what you think, I would stay for her. You would too. I'm depressed because nothing feels right. This room, this house, this town, this skin, all feels like it's just a little too tight. I can't explain how I feel really I guess, I just keep saying that I feel very 3rd person. My world isn't 180 degrees off, more like 10 degrees. It's enough to notice, but not enough to really worry about. It's like I tripped over my plug while my power was on and when I plugged myself in again, files were moved and missing and I can't run right until I get that together. I'm depressed because I advance this misery in my dreams of the future. I'm scared that if I'm screwing up this badly now, how can I pull this off in the end? How can I expect my friends to keep faith in me when I back down? How can I expect to keep my promises to the girl if I can't keep any promises to myself? How can I expect to live happy when I live on the downside?

I'm starting to think the philosophy class I'm taking wasn't such a good idea.

I'm angry because I'm trying so hard to find a way out of here, and every road keeps coming up a damn cul-de-sac, I drive away only to find myself heading right back to where I came from (that was a GREAT analogy, admit it). I'm angry because I just want all this to work and every time I see any glimpse of hope, it gets chewed up and shit back out in my face. I just wish once something would slide this way or that way just enough for me to think I can do something. I get so frustrated because I feel like I've been kicked around so long that something good has to happen. But I also do understand that if I want to achieve dreams and goals or whatever, I need to work towards them. Obviously. The problem with Dave Sliozis is he doesn't know what he's working toward and until he figures that out, he'll be damned if he's going to give anymore than 50% on anything. Perhaps this is his fatal flaw. Jesus, I just went third person. See? What the hell is that all about? I just don't believe in putting my all into something that doesn't seem like it will take me anywhere. I'll never give 100% of myself to the people I work with because I just don't care that much about the job. It's a paycheck, that's it, no career choice there. I'm angry because I've totally fucked myself over in everything. If I wasn't such a goddamned retard I would have been long gone, who knows what I would be doing, but it wouldn't be here. Goddamnit, everything would be different, I know. And I guess I might be complaining about other things.

I'm going to give myself a heart attack before I'm thirty.

Fuck it. And I’m not going to except the usual barrage of “you can do it” comments. Something is broken, actually, a lot is broken and it needs fixing. If I knew what was broken and how to fix it, I wouldn’t be writing this. And if it couldn't get any worse, I'm getting fat. Might as well break out the booze and smokes and finish this bitch off, eh?

I’m tired, and guess what…I’m angry. Let’s see if I can sleep tonight, I’m not counting on it.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY?

M*A*S*H*

No, no, not the critically aclaimed television show, rather the schoolyard game. Not sure why this appeared in my referrer report.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY?

CONTROVERSIAL KYLE FORD

I recently visited the emerging web page of Paul K. Weller and came across some horrifying items located in his links area. I promptly wrote him a letter to which he responded...

Dear Paul K. Weller,

Upon visit to your personal website, I took the time to peruse your "links" section. Needless to say, once confronted with the data on said-designated page, I was simultaneously angered and disgusted when I saw the collection of links before me.

The anger came when I saw the beginning of what SEEMED to be a link to Libertyville High School. The simple mention of that name threw me back to the most hated time in my life and I was consumed with momentary rage and pure dislike for 85% of our "classmates" (you sir, are included in the redeemable (15%).

Then I became awash with disgust when I saw the name of my archrival, Kyle Ford. How does a man side with such an evil and horrible person? Apparently you are not aware of the ARMIES of underage children in the Asian Rim section of the world that Mr. Ford has entering HTML code in INTERNET-SLAVE-LABOR-CAMPS! I swear to you, these are true facts. There are little children all throughout China, Cambodia, Vietnam and Nepal which are locked by the ankles to out of date Apple computers, attached to modem dial-up services who work their scrawny fingers to the bone in order for Mr. Ford to retain his name as #1 web designer guy in the Stick Bus camp. I simply ask that you remedy your current faux pas of placing Mr. Ford's name on your "link" page, by adding my name.

I hope that my e-mailing you here today has opened your eyes to the injustices that ignorance causes when the civilian mind creates a web page for personal use. You sir, are not the first to fall prey to naming a L.H.S. link, or falling under control to the mighty Ford Empire. I simply urge you to be aware of the gross crimes committed daily in our society, and help the youth of today steer clear of such atrocities in the future.

Thank you,

David M. Sliozis

Champion of the Light
www.sliozis.com

Mr. Weller's response...

So, uh...I guess I'll take the LHS link off? :) Gee, never have I had such a visceral reaction (or for that matter any reaction) to my website. Yes, I have heard of Mr. Ford's recent exploits. I had hoped that they were untrue...all those rumors about selling Apple IIe's to those poor schools in Asia where the children were forced to type in HTML code using the only two fingers left on their hands. Say it ain't so Kyle! I blame that evil woman he married. Please forgive the grievous error I have made against you and the human rights council, and God. I was only trying to quickly put something on that page so people would come back after I had made enough money to buy Dreamweaver and thus make my site presentable. Because, let's face it...Front Page Express is pure shit!

Good to hear from you.
Paul :)

See? An angry and violent tone in an e-mail can do good in this world. Thank you Paul.

MY BROTHER'S JOB

Mark and I were discussing dream jobs, the following conversation came to be:

Maynard Inside: i want to be a professional suicicde bomber
Stick Bus: short careers, shitty medical plans.
Maynard Inside: dont need a medical plan in that career
Stick Bus: unless you're a bad suicide bomber and you miss.
Maynard Inside: me?
Maynard Inside: definitely
Maynard Inside: damn lazy eye
Maynard Inside: oh right, i can't do that.
Maynard Inside: my bad.
Stick Bus: you freak.
Maynard Inside: whore.

IT HAPPENS

Click.

THE DINER IS OPEN

Who cares.