THE QUESTION THAT IS ON EVERYONE'S MIND

If we don't have sex, what do we do?

Yesterday, while searching the internet for what some of us thought was a movie quote, I came across this most interesting web page.

Now before I continue, the web page is apparently about alternatives to not only abortion, but the steps and "activities" that lead one down a road where abortion might be an option. The aforementioned web page in no way reflects the views of the sliozis.com management. I also don't care to turn this into a political forum about abortion either, just sit back, put the guns and bibles down, and try to find humor in this page.

After reading the "If We Don't Have Sex, What Do We Do?" page, I was at first trying to figure out what age group they were targeting here. For example they talk about avoiding sexual situations like this, "It’s like playing a video game. After a while you know the traps and the dangers and you take action to avoid them before you get blasted. Same thing here." Wow. I'm guessing that this was penned by some 36 year-old who is afraid of girls and spends his days counting down to the next Final Fantasy release. Video games?

The site also teaches you great social tact when discussing "the sex" with a date. "Want some fun? Before you go out, bring up the fact that you are not at all interested in getting involved sexually." Yeah, that sounds like fun. "Hi, I barely know you but I want you to know now that the chances of us ever being intimate or me even seeing you naked are slim to none. And frankly, the idea of your bare bosom scares the crap out of me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play Final Fantasy." Nothing opens the door for a second date more than honesty.

Then the authors of this page also tell you how to choose your friends and how disastrous peer pressure can be to your non-sexual self. "That’s why it’s important to choose friends who share your values. Then you will hear things from friends that reinforce your commitment, not wear it down. The same goes for people you date. If you know someone is a player or partier, don’t go out with him or her. You are only setting yourself up!" Because you know, people don't change. So if you really like a "player" or "partier" they'll always be that way and basically try to have sex with you. We all know that all people who like to have fun are really just trying to get some ass.

So I sent this page to average, white male, middle America guy, H.R. and he responded to the site like this:

I asked myself why on all of these questions from that web page?

"Don’t leave blocks of time where you have nothing to do, especially when you are alone at home or in a car."

Why not? You need to take the other person home sometime or another. The only way to avoid any sexual situation is having to park your car in the city (it's not fun) and when someone's home is filled with people.

"Going out in groups insures that you will stay out of tempting situations."

HOW???? All my friends talk and think about is sex.

"Hand holding, hugging and kissing (that doesn’t mean making out) are OK. But basically anything below the neck is off limits if you are serious about creating a pure, long lasting relationship."

COME ON NOW! You start with the hand holding, hugging and kissing...which leads to everythign below the neck...am I right? You can't just dive right in no matter what your doing. Jesus H Christ...bring on the Domo-kuns!

For the record, I think H.R. ending with "Jesus H Christ...bring on the Domo-kuns!" was just brilliant.

Anyway, the page continues and finishes up with "55 Fun Things to do Instead of Sex." I'm not even sure I can explain how bad this list is but I'm going to cover the highlights. And I'd also like to state that most of these are just starters for walking down the trail to fornication and sin.

Lets start with "5. Slide down a grass hill on a block of ice," what the HELL is that? Where the hell does one even get a "block of ice" in the middle of summer? Next is "13. Wash each other’s car," woohoo. Or how about "19. Dedicate a song on the radio," there's twenty seconds gone, now what? "27. Go to church together," I don't need to comment on that one. "28. Dress up and go to McDonald’s," dress up? As what? Or do they mean like suit and tie? Apparently whoever wrote this came from a town where Le McDonald's is the IT place to go. "30. Send a funny card," BAM, another twenty seconds, now what?

This is probably the most retarded one, "35. Chop up things in the blender and make 'food-art'," what in God's name is "food-art?" Or there's "39. Have breakfast at sunrise," which to me says she was already AT your house which probably means this entire list was null and void. "41. Spend an evening with each other’s families," HA, if you only knew my girlfriend's family. "44. Take a fun class at your community college together," no. "53. Blow up balloons and stuff a friends car," which means HOURS of entertainment. And finally there's always, "54. Have a canned whipped cream fight outside," hello? Whipped cream? Jesus, if that doesn't lead to sex, I don't know what will.

So really, I can't say that this page helped at all. And I'm wondering what kind of life the author leads if he or she believes that all of those things are "fun" and "innocent." And I'm also willing to bet that if it is a guy, once he finishes playing Final Fantasy he proceeds to stare at the Britney Spears poster on his wall and then kills some kittens.

Thanks to Bess and Alison for the linkage.

DON'T LISTEN TO STALIN KID! HE'S A PUNK!

Nothing much to write about so far this week. I do have to ask, what the hell is a Domo-kun? Because this amuses me (I believe this is the "picture" in question).

Isn't the internet just messed up?

And suddenly I feel as though my blog content has taken a turn for the worse...

JACK BURTON AND THE PORK CHOP EXPRESS

You just listen to the ol' Pork Chop Express an' take his advice on a dark and stormy night when some wild-eyed eight-foot tall maniac grabs your neck an' taps the back of your favorite head up against a barroom wall. An' he looks you crooked in the eye an' he asks if you've paid your dues. You look right back at that big sucker an' remember what Jack Burton always says at times like that. "Have you paid your dues, Jack" "No, sir, I've just charged 'em."

I SWEAR, IT WAS LIKE FINDING AMERICA

Picture this. Summer, 1997. You're cruising along, windows down, and listening to one of many classic rock stations that the Chicagoland area has to offer. There is a song on the radio, you are enjoying this song. Roughly six minutes later, the song ends. The station DJ makes no mention as to the name of the song. The song enters your head, and that's where it will remain, unnamed and untitled for the next five years.

I first blogged about this song back in November of 2000. And at that time I thought I was on the right track until something terrible happened...

Original Blog Date - 11/30/00
Since August I have had this song rattling around in my head. I heard the song on CD94.7, the classic rock station in the Chicago area. I don't know the name, I don't know the band that sings it, I don't even know any lyrics. I do know the tune and how the piano in it goes. That's all. So I made the active decision to listen to CD94.7 religiously until I heard that song and my quest would be completed with a quick dip into the Napster libraries. Well, last night something odd happened. CD94.7 was playing some 80's tunes, and I thought, "okay, they play blocks of some late 60's stuff, why not some 80's?" So today, I turn on 94.7 in my car and I'm horrified. They're still playing 80's tunes. I visit what WAS the CD94.7 homepage which is now the 94.7 THE ZONE homepage. I was suddenly numb. The one channel I knew for sure would eventually save me from this musical hell, was now gone. We already have an 80's station! Now we have NO classic rock, or not that I know of! ARG! The music gods have scorned me.

Months would pass and eventually come to February of 2001. The song reared it's ugly head again...

Original Blog Date - 01/31/01
Last night I heard that damn song again. This time however, I was able to get what I thought was the name of the song and of the band. I was in the car with Jeff on our way to see whatever movie (we saw "Anti-Trust," it wasn't too terrible) and on 94.7 (still The Zone) I heard it. The deejay said the song was "Not the Man You Think I Am" by Misunderstood. YES! I finally can get that song out of my head......right?

WRONG! I did an extensive search of Napster, CDNOW, and whatever search browser I could think of and "Not the Man You Think I Am" by Misunderstood did not exist anywhere. I tried different variations of the song title, I tried just switching the song title with the band name. Nothing. What's worse is that now I'm not even sure it was the right song that I heard and it is going to drive me nuts until I KNOW! ARG! The music gods have scorned me. Please help me.

Note: I did eventually find out that the non-existent song was "Misunderstanding" by Genesis and no where near the song I was in search of. I couldn't win.

About two months ago, Connie and I had another encounter with this song and I thought I might finally have it. Connie was able to record the time the song played as well as the other songs that followed it on the playlist. So I promptly e-mailed whatever radio station had played the song and enclosed all the information I had. To this day, they still have not returned my e-mail. The search continued.

Last night, Connie and I were driving to dinner and I was flipping radio stations. Then, the song came back to me once again. This HAD to be the final battle and I needed to win. We stopped at Blockbuster (because I forgot to place the Amelie DVD back in the case when I returned it, der) and Connie kept watch on the song. When we finally got to dinner, the song ended. Then it was the moment of truth...

...the DJ spit out the song title and the band and I was euphoric. I think I almost cried. The song was "Fool In the Rain" by Led Zeppelin. How lame did I feel? Regardless, we returned home and I immediately downloaded it from Kazaa. It was like the weight of a planet had been removed from my shoulders. And now that I have that song, it will grace the end of every mixed CD I will ever make.

It took me five years to find. I think I can die happy now.

LE FABULEUX DESTIN D'AMÉLIE POULAIN

And somehow, that translates simply to "Amelie" in American.

Last night, Connie and I rented the adventures of Amelie. We had been trying to catch the movie at one of our local art houses, but failed repeatedly due to the sweet yet evil curse of apathy. Blockbuster (not sure why I linked that) had an abundance of them, probably due to the fact that people aren't patient enough to read subtitles anymore. That's a sad statement (so is the fact that more people went to see the brain dead MIB2 than the potentially Oscar worthy Road to Perdition...you apes).

The first portion of the film does a hit and run feeding of background information about the childhood of Amelie. The beginning of this movie (gotta keep saying movie before Kyle rages) is probably both the funniest and saddest intro I've ever seen. We are shown the beginning of this little girl's life and the odd extremes that set her on way to becoming the Amelie of age twenty-three (the age she is for the duration of the film).

Basically, Amelie is the story of a girl who realizes that there is no better feeling in the world than helping others find some small piece of happiness. However her weakness is that she can't seem to help herself. As much as she tries to overcome her personality and behavior (that we were able to see form in the movie's beginning), Amelie falls back and hides herself away. I'll say no more.

Audrey Tautou has these eyes and this face, that you can't ever hate (don't trust that imdb.com photo either, it's terrible). There's this doeful look that gives way to a character who has an imaginative brilliance underneath it all and a bigger heart underneath that. Tautou gives Amelie everything she needs for the audience to just love her and she intoxicates us so much that we feel bad when we see her flounder. Tautou also keeps us believing that she is twenty-three and that she is at an age where she understands clearly what needs to be taken seriously and what other things can be enjoyed. If I say any more about Audrey, Connie will kill me in a blind rage driven by jealousy.

The camera work is amazing, and it's even more amazing when you think that Jean-Pierre Jeunet also directed Alien: Resurrection. He went from space war to love story, those wacky French. And for awhile, I had heard that this movie was a French Alley McBeal and in the end, this film was CERTAINLY not that. Jeunet has a chemistry with the vision of the movie. The camera angles, colors, contrasts, special effects all give the movie almost a living comic book feel, if that makes any sense. Jeunet just has a wonderful choreography to Amelie that is almost like "Moulin Rogue" on handfuls of sedatives.

And everything above is complimented by a really good soundtrack. It's piano heavy, which personally I love, and in most scenes it's hidden in the background somewhere. I'm a believer that soundtracks are an important part to movies. Most movies can use them correctly, others can't. Amelie is a great example of how music can play on your feelings and enhance the feel of a movie.

Honestly, I hate writing movie reviews because I'm usually pretty bad at it. I think this was one of my worst since all I did was gush about the movie. I inject far too much of my own opinions, I usually feel like I have no idea what I'm talking about and I'm lucky if there is any organized thought. But if it makes any difference, I'm probably going to buy it on DVD, and to me, that means it's certainly worth renting.

I'm pretty sure this review won't earn me a spot on the "balcony" with Ebert either.

BACK FROM SOMEWHERE IN SANTA MONICA

Bru and I are back in Illinois after our visit out to California. I didn't take many pictures or much video (I know I recorded it, just can't find it), but I know Bru has photos. Maybe he'll put the good ones online.

Summing it up, I'm more miserable to be back than glad. I always forget how few things I care about here and how good my feet felt in the sand off the Santa Monica Pier. Chances are I won't be back in Los Angeles until it's time for me to go there for good. The closest I might come is San Fran, sometime in November. We'll see, that's getting really far ahead.

Right now I'm going to go count my air miles and stare at the sun tan I got on my feet.

Hustlers grab your guns
Your shadow weighs a ton
Driving down the 101
California here we come
Right back where we started from

FOR THOSE OF YOU KEEPING SCORE AT HOME

Or those of you who are probably at work and not doing anything (cough, cough, cough, sniffle) and also for those of you who are supposed to come get us, you can follow Bruen and I as we fly across the US.

This link takes you to a flight tracking page. Both flights are via United Airlines (UAL) and our flight schedule looks like this:

FRIDAY, JULY 19th: UAL 131, departing 9am CST from ORD.
FRIDAY, JULY 19th: UAL 129, departing 10am CST from ORD.

MONDAY, JULY 22nd: UAL 108, departing 11am PST from LAX.

I'm probably not going to post anything after this until I get back. And then I'm sure I'll have photos (none of which will involve me and a baby) and definitely video, plenty of video adventures.

THREE UNRELATED ITEMS CRAMMED INTO ONE

First, I put up a new movie. It's titled, "A Really Bad Joke and Dan Saves the Day."

Second, has anyone else noticed that TBS Superstation has FINALLY dropped their obsession with starting every at five minutes after? They're actually starting their shows on time now. Never thought I'd live to see this day.

And third, it's never too late to think about the future.

BONUS ITEM: I'm not sure why but Prince's "Batdance" is stuck in my head. "And where, and where...is the Batman!?"

REALLY BAD WORD PLAY GONE REALLY WRONG

Alison: Kyle is making an "Owen: Special Edition" DVD.
Dave: And a sequel called, "OWEN II: AFTER BIRTH"
Dave: HAHAHA! get it? HAHAHA!
Alison: LAME Sliozis. Lame.

ADVENTURES IN IMOVIE

I give you the first of many.

I promise they'll get better.

GOOD JOB PENGUINS

Quite possibly, one of the best music videos ever.

Link blatanty stolen from Ariel.

SHALL WE PLAY A GAME?

The technology in WarGames gets funnier every year.

Is my Blog HOT or NOT?

PIECE OF MIND

First let me note that my post titles as of late, have been really stupid. Anyway...

Do you pronounce Reese's Pieces, REES-IZ or REES-EES? I've always said, REES-IZ because it rhymes with pieces. However, as of late around the office, I've heard the REES-EES pronunciation on the increase. Which is right?

Plus REES-EES rhymes with feces. And that's bad.

Is my Blog HOT or NOT?

A MINOR DEBATE

A debate is raging on over at Kyle's site about a pretty noticable flaw with the storyline of the movie, Minority Report.

Feel free to weigh in about things, but make sure you read everything first so we're all on the same page.

FULL OF HOT AIR

a.) Yes, that is a terrible title.
b.) Do we care that this guy flew a balloon around the world?

I'm not sure that "Extreme Hot Air Ballooning" will catch on.

I mean seriously, who cares? How much money did this entire ordeal cost anyway? And why couldn't he do something good with it like donate it to a charity? Instead he floats above the Earth where he can't shower and has to piss in a can or something. If someone comes to me and says, "Dave, here's a million dollars. What do you want to do with it?" Do you think my first answer will be, "Balloon around the world." Hell no.

And on top of that, he didn't even really go AROUND the world. He went around like the southern-southern part, pretty much around Antarctica. Going "around the world" to me means around the equator. And right now, he's totally the 15 minutes of fame celebrity. In one week (if the idiot can land) no one will ever remember his name.

Well, I hope he's happy. At least he did it this time and we don't have to even THINK about how much money our government spent to save his ass the five times before when he crashed into oceans and had to drift over no fly zones. I hope he gets a plaque or a trophy for this.

MAC-TASTIC

I have officially joined the world of Apple, and this is my first post from the magical Powerbook.

I'm going to like it here...

I WANT YOUR JOB - PART II

Instant message from Kyle:

Kyle: Back in 10, Counting Crows are playing outside the office.

OPEN HEART SURGERY...YAR

"Screw med school...I'm gonna go be a pirate."

- HR

I REALLY FEEL LIKE WRITING SOMETHING

However, all I can write is, "I really feel like writing something." Ugh, how frustrating. I think the heavy regimen of bland papers in english classes and distracting atmospheres has destroyed what there was of a writer in me. I wrote some shitty script almost four years ago and that's been the highlight of my screenwriting career. Pretty frustrating when what is in your head can't make it to paper.

Is it possible to have writer's block for six years?