"Look, Airborne is great. I wouldn't go on a movie set without it; it's on my plane and in my house.” - Kevin Costner, Hollywood, CA

Mr. Costner is of course talking about the now legendary Airborne, the "effervescent health formula."

I've had two nasty colds in the last four months. And in each case, some little voice in my head said, "when you feel a cold coming on, go get Airborne!" Fine. I'll try it. Who wants to be sick?

When I felt the first cold I felt moving in, I skipped over to my local Ralph's, bought Airborne and orange juice and figured I'd just keep on skipping. I took the Airborne accordingly.

That weekend, I had an all out assult on my sinuses.

My first reaction was self-blame. "Okay, maybe I didn't get the Airborne early enough." I got better and moved on.

The second cold batted at my health like a kitten Monday night. On the way home from work, I went to Ralph's and bought more Airborne and more orange juice. I'll wrap this up by saying a few hours later, all hell was breaking loose inside the walls of my face and Wednesday I had a fever that had me near hallucinatory while I tried to sleep (seriously...there's a school near us and I clearly remember thinking, "Listen to the children laugh! It's so...CLEAR!").

So some twelve dollars later, I'm still sick. I might as well have been popping Sweetarts (and yes, that's how it's spelled...weird, I know). Somewhere, there's a rich 2nd grade school teacher, relaxing on a tropical beach...and quietly sniffling.

Oh, and when was the last time Costner was on a movie set? Come on...and Rumor Has It doesn't count...

While your garbage disposal may not have a problem devouring the 20 or more green grapes you crammed down the drain, the actual drain connected to garbage disposal might.

Here's my top three Kyle Ford moments of the last three years:

1. KYLE vs. TABLE: When I first moved to Cali, I shacked up with the Fords for a few weeks. During that time, Kyle took it upon himself to staple 200 feet of cable to the molding and door frames so that the little hands of the house wouldn't yank the hell out of them.
   
   I clearly recall sitting in a chair, and Sarah on the couch while Owen slept. Kyle was working backwards and slowly approaching a small table they had near their front door. Well, without looking, Kyle sprung up and jammed the corner of the table directly into his tailbone. In spite of the gasps of agony, Sarah and I proceeded to ridicule him for some time, even planning to purchase a hemorrhoid pillow for him.


2. KYLE vs. TONKA TRUCK: A while back, Connie, Sarah, Kyle and myself were on a poker kick. And at some point, Kyle of course decided he needed to use the bathroom.
   
   So he gets up, and starts pushing this big, yellow, metal Tonka truck around. He gleefully looks up at the three of us and shouts, "Who am I?" Connie, Sarah and I sat in terrified silence, not sure if he was crazy, and less sure what the correct answer was. Then he shouts out, "I'm Owen!" And then, as if the Gods had scorned him for making such a horrible joke, Kyle starts to walk off to the bathroom...
   
   ...and steps on the edge of the big, yellow, metal Tonka truck and destroys his foot, again, prompting ridicule.


3. KYLE vs. MOUSE: The Fords have a mouse, a pet for the kids. And this mouse has a small, yellow car that it can sit in and the kids can push the mouse around. Allegedly the mouse is made to fly in the car by the children, but that's not the point. Connie politely asks Kyle if we can see the mouse in the car, because small animals in small cars are funny. Kyle turns and puts his hands around the large mouse house sitting on top of a cabinet.
   
   Please note, that at this point, the kids are in bed, probably very near slumber.
   
   When Kyle turns to put the cage on the table, his hands are firmly grasping the TOP of the cage...but not the bottom.
   
   The bottom of the cage crashes to the floor spewing woodchips, water, mouse poop and of course the mouse. Kyle makes a quick move for the mouse in time for Sarah to walk back into the horrific scene.
   
   The next 20 minutes were filled with Kyle cleaning up the woodchips, then having to vacuum (stirring the children) and repacking the cage. All while I laughed to the point of tears and Sarah did all she could to not stab him.

Do you have a Kyle story? Feel free to share.