MILE HIGH MORONS Sunday, July 30, 2006 |
I don't like to travel. My fear of flying aside, it's a miserable experience and it's probably all your fault.
With my job, my yearly travel rate has quadrupled what it ever was prior to working at FOX. Where I used fly maybe once a year, I now might be gone upwards of five or six times. And I'll agree that there are people traveling several times a week, and make my six-average look pathetic, but that doesn't mean it can't drive me nuts.
I also have to note that this post will be based on travels to and from Los Angeles International, O'Hare, Dallas/Ft. Worth and Laguardia. And that most persons trying to catch connecting flights are exempt from this rant.
Airports, as a whole, usually suck pretty hard. LAX is a dump, ORD tries to pretend it's nice, and Laguardia was a war zone each time I've been. All of them hold that jet-exhaust smell and all need some sort of interior make over. Especially you, LAX. However, DFW, while the layout is absurd, it is a nice, clean airport. And it offers FAR more to eat than Burger King and other mid-flight-need-to-shit meals.
I feel like airport terminals are exactly like driving, but without the comfort of having your personal buffer inside your car. Suddenly, you're face-to-face with all those assholes who drift across lanes, can't function with their cell phones on, and generally just have no idea what is going on around them. They stumble around with their mouths open and eyes up, dragging their stupid rolling luggage and holding out their boarding pass for any miserable employee to guide them to their next stop.
And then there's security, which always blows because people don't listen, read or care. When the guy yells out that you have to take your laptop out of your bag, he's not doing that for the benefit of his coworkers. We're all sheep anyway, so just follow the lead of the person in front of you. Not that hard. It's been almost six years since September 11th and security changed. How is it that in six years, people still have no idea that you shouldn't wear clunky boots, you shouldn't wear big jackets, and you shouldn't wear massive belt buckles. Sandals, shorts and a t-shirt. That's the key.
The boarding process always fascinates me. It has now been refined by most airlines to the point where you are "grouped." And that group is a section of people that you board the plane with to avoid the always-present backup on the ramp. Here's what I don't understand. Each and every ticket, except for Southwest, GIVES YOU A SEAT NUMBER. Once the plane starts to board, you get "the herd." That group of people who hang out near the end of the line like it's a race. Relax, you have a seat. And I'm sure sometimes it's so they can get their precious overhead bin space. But you know what? CHECK YOUR BAGS.
Seat etiquette is a thing of the past. Personally, I hate touching people and I really hate when people touch me. Once is fine. But when you continually cross the line designated by the seat break and the arm rest, you need to be smacked. For example, during my latest trip back from DFW, I was plastered against the window because the guy next to me, who was not a large man, felt it was necessary to keep elbowing me and smacking his knees against mine. I'm sorry, but how the hell do you not know you're touching someone else and not in a pleasant manner?
Additional seat etiquette also includes the reclining seat. I always take notice of who is behind me. If it's a kid, I'm putting my seat back because they have plenty of room to spare. But if it's an adult, I'll usually leave my seat upright. If I feel like I want to lean back, I'll unbuckle my belt (always fastened due to fear of flying), turn around and ask, "Hi, is it okay if I put my seat back?" Usually people will say yes because they don't want to look like assholes. However, there are those of you who feel it's necessary to shoot that seat backwards into my knees, or bounce it back upright when I have a tray full of food and drink. You suck. If you're going to do it without asking, at least lower it slowly so I have time to react.
Landing is always an exciting time for me and a perfect gauge to how stupid America is. Most people have flown at least once in their lifetime. In addition, there have been countless movies and TV moments that repeat the phrase, "please put your seats and tray tables in the upright position." EVERYBODY knows that phrase. So why is it that when landing time comes, the crew still has to remind you what you need to do? It's one button and a latch. Is that so hard? You know it's coming, you can feel your ears popping. Yet, you delay, because you suck.
Once you're on the ground, your antics continue. First, there is ALWAYS that ONE person who cannot WAIT to stand up and get their things while the plane is taxiing to the terminal. And every time the crew gets on and says the, "seat belt sign is illuminated" bit. It's cute that you think getting your stuff is going to speed up your exit from the plane, even though there are twenty-some rows in front of you.
Second, the cell phone bonanza. Once that pilot says it's cool to turn them on, the plane becomes a musical festival of power-on tones. Why can't you wait five minutes to get off the plane? Why must you start calling Cindy to find out where she is? Cindy should be smart enough to know what time you're landing, that you might have luggage to check and that it's going to take you ten or more minutes to get to the curb. She should be there anyway. Online flight trackers people. Get one.
Finally, I would talk about baggage claim. But we all know that everyone thinks crowding around the conveyor belt is somehow going to make their stuff come first. OH, and that they only have ONE shot to grab it, because, you know, IT'S NOT A GIANT OVAL AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE YOUR LUGGAGE AGAIN IF IT PASSES.
Aah. I feel better. Too bad you still suck.
